I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.