Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Ok but actually
*sewing*
A thread
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!