Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Lucky old June.
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.