Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I hid some form of a weapon in literally every room of my home when I first moved in and now I have to figure out where the hell I put everything before I move out…
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
decorating my apartment
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COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.