“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I got bills
They’re multiplying