i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.