[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: