The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.