my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)