Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.