Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My diet starts in January
of 2027