Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You Might Also Like
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]