[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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knights of the ikea table
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol