Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*