interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said![]()
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
love it when they get my name right
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.