interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*puts cutlery down*
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
How to wake up a Beagle
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!