Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”