Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!