me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
lot going on here, legally speaking.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]