Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything