Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
i dont have time for this
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose