Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
So UBER is not a dating app?
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.