An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
You Might Also Like
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I had to Stop for this
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs