How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot