How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.![]()
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs