jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.