Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.