Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing