Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!