At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.