If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
A bad analogy is like a cucumber