i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload