Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.