Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Bringing home a sharpie
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!