My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I WON A HAM TODAY
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.