This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
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“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.