As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
#Caturday
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
A duv-egg? In this economy?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.