As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

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News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.


A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.


Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency


Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye


I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it


I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”


For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.


FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.


I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*


The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.


Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!