What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.