Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
our love story in four pictures
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition