Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I would move hell over six inches for you
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)