Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out