John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does