“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
my astrological sign is a french fry
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.