[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The Birdles
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.