have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
How your email finds me
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*