BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My five year plan is a meteorite