I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
welp
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]