(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I miss this era type of pranks😭
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times