Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
don’t we all
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.