If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.