mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
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Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.