I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The game has officially changed 😎
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”