Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
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[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Denise please return my vape pen