KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

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6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking


Act now and we will double your order of crap!



The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib


[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox


Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”


me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider


Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…


“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m