@maisondecris

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

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@KalvinMacleod

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@sweetg35

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

@robfee

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

@ericsshadow

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

@LaLuchaNix

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

@riot4rach

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

@brokemycoccyx

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: