KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.