I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”